I got saved January 30, 2012. I fell in love with Jesus Christ. I remember I used to write him letters, I was head over heels in love with the Lord. My transformation literally happened over night. I stopped watching pornography, masturbating, fornicating, getting drunk, smoking weed, cursing, fighting, I found it in my heart to forgive those who hurt me. I had done a complete 180° turn overnight. I remember coming home, blasting my gospel music, worshiping the Lord for hours, crying weeping, and just loving the Lord. I read my Bible, and really studied my word. I was so hungry and thirsty for God. I just wanted that living water. I had repented of my sin, I just simply said, "Lord not my will,l but yours be done." I gave up on trying to be in control of my life and I had started to follow Jesus. "If anyone desires to come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me." – Matthew 16:19. For the 9 to 10 months of my Christian walk, it was very easy for me.
Until I met this guy. He lived in my apartment complex directly under my apartment. Honestly when I first met him I wasn't attracted to him, he was cute, I just was not attracted to him. I would see him every now and then when I was taking my dog out, or when I was on my way to class, but other than that I just kept it at a hi and bye basis. Then one day when I was taking my dog to use the bathroom, me and him had a conversation., and he asked me if I would like to get something to eat. Now mind you, I had never been discipled, so I didn't really know a lot about how male and female interactions were supposed to go. I had no accountability at the time, so my Christian walk had pretty much been on a trial and error bases. I still had a weakness for men, I still do now, so I would still talk to guys every now and then, but I hadn't had sex with them. I went to dinner with him, and I still did not like him lol. He'd text me every now and then, and I responded back about an hour or two later. That all changed one day when he asked could I come over his house. He actually turned out to be a pretty interesting guy. We talked for a long time. I shared my testimony with him, and I even shared the gospel with him. He told me that he was been trying to change his life, and I believed him. He had stopped smoking weed, and I shared with him how I used to be a smoker and a lot of things about my past. He seemed really sweet. We started hanging out more and more frequently, and soon I started to become more and more attracted to him. I tried to ignore these feelings., but they got stronger, and then on day, he started looking extra good to me, and I always been a sucker for a cute face and a nice smile. Still, I felt like I was pretty strong, and that I was not going to end up doing anything with him. I mean, I had been celibate for 11 months, nearly a year, nothing was gonna stop me. I was wrong, needless to say, I didn't make to a year. One day I went over his house, and we ended up kissing. From that moment on, our relationship changed. I thought of him in a more lustful, sexual way, and he did too. I knew I should have left that boy alone, but I liked the attention he was giving me, it felt nice to be around a man, I was bored, I lived alone, I made up all these excuses as to why I continued this relationship. We would be kissing every day we saw each other, so naturally is going to rubbing and caressing, and some nasty talking. I acted like I didn't have any sense or discernment, and my mind was gone. I knew it was wrong, but I continued, because it felt so good to my flesh. I was not walking by the Spirit at all. "If by the spirit you put to death the deeds of the flesh then you shall live."- Romans 8:13. Eventually, we had sex. See, the lust had began in my heart. "But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed. Then, when desire has conceived, it give the birth to sin; and sin, when it is full grown leads to death. "- James 1: 14-15.
Repentance, Shame, and Guilt
I felt so bad after what we had done. It was hard for me to get out of bed the next day. I was depressed. My heart literally was breaking. I really cried real tears, and I thought it was so odd. Because at one point sex was just so easy for me to have. But I felt like I had done the worst thing in the world. The Bible says, "if any man being Christ he is a new creation, old things are passed away, behold, all things have become new"- 2 Corinthians 5:17. That's because when when I got saved I was made alive, we don't realize that that outside of Christ, we're dead in our trespasses, but when the Holy Spirit comes and fills you up with the Lord you're just made alive. Sin causes separation from God and spiritual death. I had done something that could cause spiritual death in my life. I had committed a sexual sin. Sexual sin is different from other sins, the Bible says, "Flee sexual immorality. Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body "– 1 Corinthians 6:18. When we commit sexual sin we sin against ourselves, because we stand the risk of getting an STD, getting pregnant, catching feelings, and that's just what I had done. I had developed a soul tie with this man, which only clouded my vision and made me react based off emotion, and my emotions were all over the place. One minute I was cool with him laughing, talking, joking, being all affectionate and the next, I wanted to fight him and was screaming at him to get out of my house. I felt sincere, heartfelt remorse about what I had done. I felt ashamed, guilty, unworthy, unholy, I felt like God was disgusted with me, and I was so ashamed to stand in his presence, and be naked before God. When I say nakedness, I'm referring to my sin. Jesus had previously washed me clean by the shedding of his blood on calvary, he had purchased my soul and set me free, and clothed me in righteousness, gave me a new name, and written my name in the lamb's book of life. Ya'll ain't understanding me. I was a woman who was bound and weighted down by her sin and I was released, and I chose to imprison myself again. I was the pig who returns to the mire, the dog who returns to his vomit, I was the one who had betrayed him, I wasn't any better than Judas, I put my savior back on that cross and crucified him again, I had trampled the Son of God underfoot, and I knew I was I was guilty of these things, and I did not deserve God's forgiveness. I betrayed my savior for a man who has to borrow his very breath from him. I had exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshipped the creature, rather than the creator who is blessed forever, Amen. (Romans 1:25). I felt so miserable and ashamed. I felt more ashamed, because I wasn't walking in darkness anymore, I had tasted the gift of salvation, and I went back to my sin, even though I knew it's consequences, I knew nothing good would come from it, but I did it. Multiple times! I was guilty, guilty, guilty. Even though I know his word says, "if we confess our sin, he is faithful and just to cleanse us from all from all unrighteousness. " 1 John 1:9, and I know his word is true, but I allowed satan to tell me, God was angry with me, he couldn't stand me. Satan was accusing me. He, "accuses them before our God both day and night."- Revelation 12:10.
I continued our relationship, and it got more and more tumultuous, there were times, I'd just kick him out, and he'd show up later. He had started smoking again and showing his true colors as most men do, once you give up that box. I was so unstable with him, because I did not have peace, because GOD WOULD NOT GIVE ME PEACE. I even told him I did not have peace with him there. You will never have true peace outside of the will of God, especially if you are his. The Lord disciplines those he loves, if you are his, he will indiscipline you, God deals with us as sons, if you can sin with no conscience whatsoever, you are a bastard child and not his, (Hebrews 12:6-8). During this time, I was miserable, I became very distant from my friend, Brittany. I would get annoyed when she texted me, even though I knew she wasn't judging me, I felt judged. See, Brittany, is an almost perfect Christian. No that she doesn't sin, she never sinned huge like that, she's pretty consistent, and I didn't feel like she understood me, so I hid from her. God was breaking me, my flesh wanted this man, but I had the spirit of the living God inside of me, and more than anything, I was afraid to lose God; God fought for us and actively pursues us, not just to save , but to keep us, nobody can steal me from my father, not even us in our foolishness. "I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one will snatch them out of my hand."- John 10:28. By March, I was really tired of him lol, I was over it, and he was getting tired of me too. He liked me, but he did not like the God in me. I was/am a Christian, I base my life of The authority of scripture and the holy spirit, who guides me. I started to resent him. I knew it was my fault too, but in a way, I held him responsible, because I felt like he didn't care, and truthfully, he didn't care about me trying to be pure. An unbeliever does not and cannot understand. He did not love the same Christ I love, I had made Jesus lord of my life, and although, ultimately, Jesus is Lord of all, he didn't know him as Lord. "The message of the cross is foolishness to those who perishing, but to us who are being saved, it is the power of God."- 1 Corinthians 1:18. I am boring to someone who's not saved. A lot of people call themselves Christians, but they do not apply it to their lives; I lived/live it. Nobody minds until you let them know you can't have sex, lust, rub, touch, watch porn, club, drink, smoke, and do all this other stuff. Then you taking this Jesus thing a little too far. March 17th was the last day I had sex with him, I had sex the day before then, and I thought it was the last time, but he got this thang again lol. After that, I decided it was the last time.
A Fresh Start
Shortly after that, me and him got into real bad, and I went home for spring break, and he went home to Cali for three weeks, during this time I cried out to God and asked that he remove him from my life. I knew how weak he made me, and I knew I wouldn't leave him alone if he came back, I'm not going to go into detail, but I never saw him after that, and God really removed him. During that time, I made a vow to God that I would wait until my wedding night to have sex. The first step was humbling myself before him, admitting my wrong and my weakness, I asked God for help, and he honored that. He wanted to get my attention, and God welcomed me back with open arms. God saw my heart, and yes, "the heart is deceitful and wicked above all things" (Jeremiah 17:9-10), but he also gives the believer a clean heart, and mine was ready to serve him. I graduated in May 2013, moved back to Atlanta and reconnected with my friend Brittany, and her myself, and my friend Brandi, became really close. I thank God all the time for these two. They hold me accountable and tell me when I'm wrong, correct me, rebuke me, and a lot of times I hate it lol, but the bible tells us to, "confess our sins to each other and pray for each other, so that you may be healed."- James 5:16. A year later, God is still using me, I've grown more spiritually, and he used this experience to humble me and bring to my remembrance how I felt, so I will always choose him over my sin. I praise God that Jesus loves us unconditionally, and prays for us. "It is Christ who died, and furthermore is also risen, who is even at the right hand of God, who also makes intercession for us." Romans 8:34. My walk with Christ has been no cake walk, I've done some pretty bad things, even after getting saved, I've struggled with lust, had sex, masturbated, watched porn, drunk a lil too much, I've gossiped, been unloving, mean, mouthed off to my parents, gone clubbing. I have done it, and I am in no way glamorizing these things or saying that it is alright, because I truly have been regretful about these things, and have dealt with the guilt and shame after doing these things, but "if anyone sins, we have an advocate with the father, Jesus Christ the righteous."- 1 John 2:1, and if God can use me he can use anyone. This is to encourage those who have fallen, I've been there, plenty times, and brother or sister, if you have not fallen, don't beat your brother or sister down, correct them, lovingly, bring them back to Christ, pray for them, and hold them accountable. Some you have to put the fear of God in, but that's ok, they will be eternally grateful for you. "And on some have compassion, making a distinction, but others save with fear, pulling them out of the fire, hating even the garment defiled by flesh."- Jude 1:22. This race is not given to the swift, but he who endures. If you fall, get up, repent, try it again, get it right. "Seven times doth the righteous man fall, but he rises."- Proverbs 24:16. I can't imagine standing before God, and saying, "but Lord! I didn't complete my assignment, because I was so ashamed!". Humble yourself. It's not about you, cry out to God, he is faithful and he gives us second chances. I felt really bad also, because this guy wasn't saved, and had never met a real Christian before, and I felt like I damaged my testimony. I am an ambassador of Christ, and I care how I represent him. "We are Christ's ambassadors; God is making his appeal through us. We speak for Christ when we plead, "Come back to God!"- 2 Corinthians 5:20. But, I realize my testimony is not damaged, because though he saw me fall, he also saw me broken over my sin, and he saw me get up, and he's see that I'm still going hard for God. That's a big difference between my life and average "Christian" in America. A lot of church girls play like they're good girls and be getting sexed everyday of the week, on the regular, non-stop, that def wasn't me. I wish he would bot have had to witness that, because it's still terrible, but God was still able to use that, and this should encourage anyone who's fallen, that if you get back up, you prove that you love the Lord. I've made it a full year, and I know I can make it how ever many more years I have to wait until God chooses to bless me with a husband. Then with God's blessing, ima unleash this beast lol. Until then, these legs are closed, this bible is open, I keep my eyes toward heaven and off some, fine, devilish man and I mind my business.
"Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses let us lay aside every way and the sin, which so easily ensnares us, looking at the Jesus, the author and the finisher of our faith."- Hebrews 121-2.
*I definitely am not writing this to bash this young man, I wish him the best, I pray for him, so that he may know the Lord, and God may use him too; this is just a story that may encourage someone else.
