My Testimony

I was born and raised in the church, I said my little “sinner's prayer” at 8, was baptized, and participated in church activities all through my childhood and teen years. As a kid, I was really shy, real meek, didn’t really have friends, I got teased, I was just awkward. I mean I can always remember being different and never quite fitting in. So fast forward to middle school, I started hanging with a group of girls and we really became friends. I came out of my shell, I started cussing, talking about sex, thinking about it, and masturbating. Honestly, I had been masturbating since I was a really little girl. This is so embarrassing to talk about, but I want to point out that most people with lust issues were triggered by something really young. I didn’t even know it was masturbation until I looked it up, because it wasn’t the “normal” way most females do.  I noticed that whenever something sexual triggered in my mind I used to do it, even as a little girl, for as long as I can remember. Some people might think that's really strange for a really young girl, but actually it's not all that uncommon, which just goes to show that, “we are born into sin and shaped in iniquity (wickedness)”- Psalm 51:5. So fast forward to high school, we moved from Decatur to Conyers. I was loud, crazy, I would cuss you out in a minute, I had become disrespectful to my parents, teachers; couldn’t nobody tell me nothing. I remained a virgin all through high school, I was known as a good girl, I thought sex was nasty, I had never even kissed boy until I was 17.

Well, all that changed in college. I went to Georgia State, and I lost my virginity within the first three months. I started having sex and got my first boyfriend, and I fell head over hills in love with that boy, and he broke my heart. So I moved on and my next boyfriend did the same. He broke my heart so bad. I used cry myself to sleep every night for a month and a half. I was in so much pain, I wanted to die. I used to pray that God would take the pain away, but he didn’t, and I started to become numb, but I would go back to them for the sex. I developed an appetite for sex; sometimes that’s all I wanted do, and all I used to think about. Like I would be in church thinking about sex. My behavior really changed; my tempter just got so bad. I would lose my temper for everything. I decided to transfer my sophomore year of college to Albany State University, and I did my junior year of college. It was my first time at an HBCU and when I got there, I had a blast…..

I always have been a sucker for a cute face, and I met this guy. I was completely done with both of my exes and I decided that I needed some sex. He was cute, we chilled for a little bit and we got busy, and he ended up being my first “cut friend.” A cut friend is someone who you casually have sex with. This boy never even took me out on a date. That just shows you how this world has blinded our eyes, I didn’t even make that boy work for it; I just gave him the box. I started smoking weed and getting drunk, and I carried on like that for about a year, then my life just started to spiral out of control…..

I moved off campus to my own apartment, and I started smoking way more, drinking way more, and I was having way more sex. My motto became “I don’t give a ****.” (I really did care though, it was just easy for me to say, cause I did not want to deal with me, I wanted to always be right and I didn't want anyone else to tell me the truth about myself). I had become a bad girl. If you ever seen Bad Girl's Club, I acted just like those girls, I did what I wanted, when I wanted, and I’d probably cuss you if you said something. I  didn't care about anything or anyone but myself. I would get sloppy drunk and high, and have sex because it had become filler for me. If one guy was acting up there was always another I could call. I'd always say things like,"I'm way too pretty to be stressing bout a ni**a." But in all actuality, I was so hurt from all the men who had treated me wrong, who I allowed to disrespect me and cheat on me. I just adopted this mentality that men were dogs and liars. I had been lied to by almost every man I loved. There was always some other girl in the picture, so I just accepted what I thought was reality and learned to adapt. I couldn't let anyone see that weakness in me, so I played tough, I let guys think I didn't care. I didn’t want to deal with myself or what I had become, so I numbed all my emotions by these things. I had slowly began to lose control. I just felt so angry, so unhappy, and so empty. I kept trying to fill an eternal void with things that are passing away, only Christ can fill that void. "For everything in the world- the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, comes not from the father, but from the world. The world and it desires are PASSING AWAY, but whoever does the will of God lives forever".- 1 John 2:16-17.  I thought every girl was jealous of me or did not like me, I would literally walk into a party and be like, "I look better than all these b****es in here." I was a pretty girl, but I was so ugly on the inside. The only way to describe my heart was just black. I was one of the most prideful, conceited, vain, mean, and hateful people around. Most of all, I was insecure. I pointed out every other girl's imperfections and their weaknesses to hide my own. I wanted to argue and fight with everyone, and I didn’t want anyone to tell me anything about life and I didn't want to hear that I was wrong. I was never wrong, according to me. Not only that, I rubbed off negatively on people, people tended to cuss more, smoke more, argue more, want to fight more hanging around me. I encouraged my friends to be promiscuous, and to keep a steady stream of guys, so they could play them. My mentality was even though I'm not gonna sleep with him, I'm gonna get this simp to buy me some stuff and take me out. There was no shame in my game. I was a sinful mess. I wasn’t hanging with the wrong crowd, I WAS the wrong crowd. 

The beginning of the end

I stayed in Albany one summer and my roommate actually ended up getting involved in a murder case where a young boy was killed, and as a result some guys in a gang showed up at our door with guns, I didn’t open the door, but there’s no telling what could have happened if it had not been for God’s grace. I told my roommate one night after all that happened that bad things were going to continue to happen to me because I wasn’t in the will of God. Another time, I almost got raped, yes, raped. I had been cool with this guy who sold a little weed around my way, and since I was a weed smoker, we got cool, he was cute, but I considered myself out of his league. he didn't have much going for himself, and two kids. I didn't do kids lol, but he was cute so I flirted with him, smoked his weed, and I knew he liked me, but I had made it clear that I was not having sex with him. One night I went over his house and he must've decided he was gonna get it, so me being who I was I flirted, played with him, he left the room to get a condom from his roommate and I'm like, "what you got a condom for?" But, like a fool, I stayed, and he ended up getting my clothes off and then I started to panic, cause I looked in his eyes, and I saw he was for real, and I heard the desperation in his voice. So, I decided that I was gonna scream "no" once more and if he continued I would just start wailing on him, and if he beat me up, and I ended up getting raped, I would just call the police after. I remember feeling so afraid, and he was holding both of my wrists down, and he looked me in my eyes one last time, and he just let me go. I never went back to his house again. Everytime I used to hang at his house I used to wonder what would I do if he ever got robbed, and sure enough, he got robbed one night, and there was a girl in the house. he beat the girl up, and shot at him twice, and this fool ran and left the girl with the robber. That could have been me all these times. That was clearly God's grace and his mercy on my life. Ain't no tellin what could've been the end of that. 

The day you hear the voice of the lord, harden not your heart

Around that time, God started to draw me. “No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws them, and I will raise them up at the last day.”- John 6:44 I was about a year and a half in nursing school, and it was so stressful. I had gotten so unhappy. My face broke out,  my weight was up and down, and I was smoking more weed and drinking more, but I had decided I wasn’t have sex with anyone else unless we were in a relationship, so because I was not getting any, I started watching porn. I had watched porn every now and then, but I was starting to watch it every day for hours, and masturbating and I knew it was shameful, because I had to have headphones in. I did not want my roommates or nobody else to know what I was in there doing. So homecoming of 2011, it went down. I got drunk, got high, got into several fights, and I realized I had become a problem. I wanted to stop being so angry, I wanted people to like me again. I knew I was I pushing people away. I had just become so mean. Deep down inside, I was just hurting, I had a lot of emotional scarring and I couldn’t fix it. I confided in my roommate again and told her I needed to be in the will of God, it had become really clear to me. On top of all that, I started developing severe anxiety and I was having panic attacks in my sleep. I would wake up out my sleep, not being able to catch my breath, this went on for months, and finally I went to go see a therapist and she told me I was depressed and I had anxiety. I told her I wasn’t depressed because I thought I was living life; I was in denial. I was living, but I was just living to die, because sin when it's full grown leads to death. 'For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord."- Romans 6:23. See, life begins with Jesus that's why he said, "I AM the way, the truth, and the LIFE."- John 14:6

At the beginning of 2012, and me and my friend decided we were going to change our lives. We decided we’d go to church more and try to be a better person. I thought I was saved already, but lately I had been wondering if that was it, just believe that Jesus died on the cross for my sins, and boom I'm saved, in all actuality, I didn't know God, and he ain't know me! I ain't really want nothing to do with him that whole time, I wanted my sin, and I wanted no condemnation for it. I just started really wondering if it was more than that. I had become preoccupied with thoughts of dying, I knew I didn’t want to die sinning, because I knew I’d probably go to hell, but I kept on sinning. That’s crazy. I was scared to the point that if I did die I would go to hell, but I kept doing it because I was a slave to sin. “But thanks be to God that, though you used to be slaves to sin, you have come to obey from your heart the pattern of teaching that has now claimed your allegiance.”- Romans 6:17

One weekend, I was on YouTube and I watched a video by a girl named Angelica Zambrano, it was about an hour long, and she said it was a testimony of how Jesus showed her hell, and I watched the whole thing and I was so convicted, the whole time, I felt like she was talking to me. I knew that I wasn’t saved. It became clear to me that God didn’t care about me being in school, or trying to be a nurse, or having a job, or anything else, he cared about my obedience and my heart. "Our righteousness are as filthy rags before God."- Isaiah 64:6. I never really thought God would really send me to hell, but that night I realized he would. If I died, God would have given me justice, he would have given me what I deserved. It was just revealed to me that night what I knew in my heart all along. God did not make all of those promises in vain. The bible says, “Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? DO NOT BE DECEIVED. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites… will inherit the kingdom of God- 1 Cor 6:9-10).” Yes, it says FORNICATION. Jesus said, "whoever even LOOKS at a woman (man for us girls) with lust has already committed adultery in his heart," and we know adulterers will NOT inherit the kingdom of heaven, furthermore he said, "if your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out, it is better for it is better for you to lose 1 member than have the entire body be cast into hell,"- Matthew 5:29 (This is a spiritual plucking out, not a physical one. Put the knife down). I realized God was dead serious, and he was not going to show me favoritism. We think that we are still good enough. We think God meant that hell was for other people, like murderers and rapists, but he was joking about the fornication, lust, telling white lies, taking things we shouldn't, and drunkenness; we really think God will overlook these things, “God shows no partiality”. –Acts 10:34. As stated in my other blog, "What is The gospel?", God sees EVERYTHING. "For God will bring every work into judgment, including every secret thing. Whether good or evil." - Ecclesiastes 12:14.  I was shook. If you've ever seen the movie Drag Me to Hell then you know how the ground opened up, I didn’t think the ground would actually split, but it was just so real to me that I was just one step away from death, and that I could die at any second and I spend my eternity in hell. There was no if, ands, or buts, in my mind, I knew I wasn’t going to heaven, and at that moment I realized that I needed Christ. I had never really given him much thought, but I needed him then, and I asked God if he was really real, and he wanted me to live right, I’d leave everything behind. All my desires, all my sin, sex, smoking weed, drinking, porn, masturbation, cussing, fighting, I’d forgive people, I’d let it all go, as long as he saved me, and he did. I was 22 years old.

    

“If any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold all things are become new”- 2 Cor 5:17 

I  literally felt the weight of sin come off me, I was brand new. Sin carries a weight, we don't realize it, because we're so blinded by Satan and his schemes. that's why we actually choose the darkness (sin) over the light (Jesus). That's like discovering air for the first time and going back to carbon dioxide, so you can suffocate and die. The bible says men loved their darkness rather than the light, and the message of the cross is foolishness to those that are perishing, because the God of this age (Satan) has blinded the eyes of unbelievers. That's why people cannot fathom a life without sin, because the devil has blinded you from seeing the beauty of Christ. I didn’t know what happened, but I was different. God opened my eyes, and I could see for the first time, kind of like he did the apostle Paul, "Immediately something like scales fell from Saul's eyes, and he could see...."- Acts 9:18. I didn’t have a desire to sin anymore; I stopped everything, cold turkey. I had been cursing for years and I had a mouth like a Russian sailor, but it just stopped. I wanted to please God. Everybody thought it was just a phase at first, but people really started to see a change in me, and it only came from God. I started reading my bible, because I knew that I was more likely to continue if I was in my word, and it proved true. I was no longer in control of my life; the spirit of the living God led me. I didn’t know anything really, God taught me, he sanctified me, he continues to change me, he continues to prune me, and it’s the best thing that ever happened to me. Jesus saved my life. I live my life to give God the glory, and I can finally say yes. There are no chains holding me, I’m free! “WHOM THE SON SETS FREE, IS FREE INDEED.” –John 8:36 It doesn’t matter what you’ve done or how bad you think you are. You can’t clean yourself up, Jesus has to make you clean. “Though your sins are as scarlet, they shall be white as snow.”- Isaiah 1:18. There’s nothing for me to go back to. I don’t regret it, I don’t miss it. It's been a year and a half now, and it's almost like that old Brittnie never existed; she's dead. She was crucified on that cross at calvary, and a new Brittnie was raised from the dead, by his resurrection. My life began with Jesus, and, “he who began a good work will finish until the day of Christ Jesus.”- Philippians 1:6

What is the gospel?

What is the gospel?

Romans 1:16 identifies the gospel as, “the power of God unto salvation for everyone who believes.”

Most biblical south, church going people cannot even tell you what that means. Most of us have sat in a church on and off for our entire lives and really don’t even know what we’re there for.  If you ask the average church goer in America if they’re saved, they will tell you “yes” based off a confession that they have said a prayer and accepted Jesus into their hearts, and can’t even tell you what they’re saved from. When you ask them to tell you what the gospel is they can rattle off that “Jesus died on the cross for my sins,” there’s no acknowledgement of how heavy a statement that is. A man DIED. A man was murdered for our sins. A man was crucified, after being beaten with a leather cord attached to pieces of scrap metal, ripping his flesh from his body to cleanse you off your sins. A man was spit on, tortured, had the hairs from his beard ripped out, and further more that man was innocent of all the crimes he was charged for, in fact, this man was perfect who had never even sinned or had a sinful thought for that matter a day ever in his life. The bible reads that he opened not his mouth. He did not even open his mouth to defend himself of the charges made (Isaiah 53:7). He said he freely gave his life. He laid it down and could pick it up at any time (John 10:18), and he gave his life to the point of death.

So why did Jesus have to die?

Jesus had to die because God’s wrath rested on all of mankind and we were all destined to hell from the moment Adam and Eve sinned. (Romans 5:14- death reigned from Adam to Moses, even over those who had not sinned free from all cording to the likeness of the transgression of Adam). Jesus, being fully God, agreed to come to earth, be born of a virgin, who impregnated by the Holy Spirit, and live life as a man, totally free of all sin. He had to live a life free of all sin, because GOD HATES SIN. God is holy, he is righteous, he is without speck or spot, there is no sin in him, and God will not allow any sin around him, meaning sinful mankind would not be able to rest in his abode (heaven) when this life is over. (But your iniquities have separated you from your God- Isaiah 59:2). Satan is the father of sin, anyone living in sin will have their father’s reward (hell). God’s wrath abides on the wicked (those who practice sin). Think of it like this, God is eternal, he has no beginning, he has no end, committing an offense against an eternal God would take all of eternity to pay him back for just one sin. Hell is a real place, and people are dying and going there every single day. A great majority of people dying are ending up in hell. Harsh, I know, but it is a biblical principle. (Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. ¹⁴ But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.-Matthews 7:13-14). The bible says very few find it. Furthermore the apostle Paul said, “The righteous scarcely be saved, where shall the ungodly and the sinner appear?”- 1 Peter 4:18, and the bible says, “Hell hath enlarged herself to no end,” (Isaiah 5:14). Hell was designed for the devil and his angels, but because of the wickedness of men, it actually grows to hold the souls that are arriving there each day.

Jesus had to die on that cross to satisfy the wrath of God (Yet it pleased the LORD to crush him- Isaiah 53:10). As stated earlier, God hates sin, and his anger was on all mankind. Jesus drank the cup of God’s wrath (Matthew 26:42), so we would not have to. Jesus was so anxious before he was to be arrested he sweated drops of blood, not because of the actual crucifixion, but because he knew what was in store for him spiritually. Jesus suffered hell on that cross. As stated earlier, hell is an eternal place designed for the wicked. What took place on that cross was an exchange, a holy and spotless life for all the sins of mankind. He died and defeated death, and after 3 days he rose again with all power in his hands.

Examine yourself

I hear so many people confessing to be Christians with their mouth, but their lifestyle shows otherwise “These people draw near to me with their mouth, and honor me with their lips, But their heart is far from me, and in vain do they worship me”- Matt 15: 8-9. People who see nothing wrong with sinning, and when you point it out to them, you’re labeled as “judgmental.” People are only considered judgmental now a days when a biblical principle has been deemed outdated, and has become socially acceptable so right or wrong is now determined by what is relative to that person. There is no such thing as a Christian alcoholic, weed head, fornicator, liar, adulterer, idolater, homosexual, murderer, thief, and the like. When I label someone as such I am referring to people who practice a lifestyle of these things with no remorse, no repentance and no desire or need to change. (Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? DO NOT BE DECEIVED. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites… will inherit the kingdom of God- 1Corinthians 6:9-10). Christians do in fact sin, but a true Christian is repentant, meaning they do not allow themselves to be overtaken by that sin, they confess their sins to the lord and he is faithful and just to cleanse them from all unrighteousness (1 John 1:9). Furthermore, a righteous man falls seven times, but he rises (Proverbs 24:16).

The Son of God (Jesus) was manifested to take away our sins, so how can someone living and knowing that they are living in sin confess to be a Christian. (Whoever abides in him does not live a lifestyle of sin, whoever continues living in sin has neither seen him nor known him. Let NO ONE deceive you. He who practices righteousness (practicing a lifestyle) is righteous just as he is righteous, he who sins (practices sin) is of the devil, for the devil has sinned from the beginning- 1 John 3:6-8). God knows your heart, not your actual beating heart, but the “will” within you, and he knows if you will to serve him or your sin. Grace is not an excuse to sin. (Shall we continue sinning now that grace abounds? Certainly not! How can we who died to sin be alive to it- Romans 6:1-2)?  “God know my heart” is not a valid excuse. The heart is deceitfully wicked above all things who can know it? But God says, “I the Lord search the heart (will) and test the mind to render every man according to his works and even render to him the fruit of his doings (Jeremiah 17:9-10).

“The saddest place on Earth is the biblical south, where people have just enough religion to send them straight to hell”-Paul Washer. It does not matter if you played the drums, sung in the choir, served as a deacon, even preached in the pulpit, it does not mean anything if you are not living it. There will be many pastors on judgment day saying, “Lord, Lord did we not prophesy in your name, cast out demons in your name, and do mighty wonders in your name? And Jesus, will answer, “depart from me I never knew you, you who practice lawlessness.” God sees everything (For God will bring every work into judgment, including every secret thing. Whether good or evil. - Ecclesiastes 12:14).

Salvation is the greatest gift known to man. God is not some tyrant in the sky giving out mean orders to make us miserable only to send us to hell because he doesn’t like us. He gave us these commandments, because he loves us. He knows the consequences of sin, and he is fair. He will fairly judge, whether good or bad, he will justly give rewards. Secondly, he already gave his son to die for you, that’s the greatest sign anyone needs. A man died so that you could have eternal life. Death has lost its sting! You can have freedom from sin; all you have to do is repent and believe the gospel. He’ll give you a brand new life, with brand new desires and a brand new heart to please him (if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new- 2 Cor 5:17). He loves you more than you can ever imagine. Give your life to him while you still have time (Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. - Matthew ll: 28). This is not about condemnation or to make you feel bad. This is to share with you the same good news that transformed me and changed my life, and you can have the same thing in Christ.

Grace and peace to you all!