Falling… A story of Redemption after being Redeemed.

I got saved January 30, 2012. I fell in love with Jesus Christ. I remember I used to write him letters, I was head over heels in love with the Lord. My transformation literally happened over night. I stopped watching pornography, masturbating,  fornicating, getting drunk,  smoking weed, cursing, fighting, I found it in my heart to forgive those who hurt me. I had done a complete 180° turn overnight. I remember coming home, blasting my gospel music, worshiping the Lord for hours, crying weeping, and just loving the Lord.  I read my Bible, and really studied my word. I was so hungry and thirsty for God. I just wanted that living water. I had repented of my sin, I  just simply said, "Lord not my will,l but yours be done." I gave up on trying to be in control of my life and I had started to follow Jesus. "If anyone desires to come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me." – Matthew 16:19. For the 9 to 10 months of my Christian walk, it was very easy for me.

Until I met this guy. He lived in my apartment complex directly under my apartment. Honestly when I first met him I wasn't attracted to him, he was cute, I just was not attracted to him. I would see him every now and then when I was taking my dog out, or when I was on my way to class,  but other than that I just kept it at a hi and bye basis. Then one day when I was taking my dog to use the bathroom, me and him had a conversation., and he asked me if I would like to get something to eat. Now mind you, I had never been discipled,  so I didn't really know a lot about how male and female interactions were supposed to go. I had no accountability at the time, so my Christian walk had pretty much been on a trial and error bases. I still had a weakness for men, I still do now, so I would still talk to guys every now and then, but I hadn't had sex with them. I went to dinner with him, and I still did not like him lol. He'd text me every now and then, and I responded back about an hour or two later. That all changed one day when he asked could I come over his house. He actually turned out to be a pretty interesting guy. We talked for a long time. I shared my testimony with him, and I even shared the gospel with him. He told me that he was been trying to change his life, and I believed him. He had stopped smoking weed, and I shared with him how I used to be a smoker and a lot of things about my past. He seemed really sweet. We started hanging out more and more frequently, and soon I started to become more and more attracted to him. I tried to ignore these feelings., but they got stronger, and then on day, he started looking extra good to me, and I always been a sucker for a cute face and a nice smile. Still, I felt like I was pretty strong, and that I was not going to end up doing anything with him. I mean, I had been celibate for 11 months, nearly a year, nothing was gonna stop me. I was wrong, needless to say, I didn't make to a year. One day I went over his house, and we ended up kissing. From that moment on, our relationship changed. I thought of him in a more lustful, sexual way, and he did too. I knew I should have left that boy alone, but I liked the attention he was giving me, it felt nice to be around a man, I was bored, I lived alone, I made up all these excuses as to why I continued this relationship. We would be kissing every day we saw each other, so naturally is going to rubbing and caressing, and some nasty talking. I acted like I didn't have any sense or discernment, and my mind was gone. I knew it was wrong, but I continued, because it felt so good to my flesh. I was not walking by the Spirit at all. "If by the spirit you put to death the deeds of the flesh then you shall live."- Romans 8:13. Eventually, we had sex. See, the lust had began in my heart. "But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed. Then, when desire has conceived, it give the birth to sin; and sin, when it is full grown leads to death. "- James 1: 14-15.

Repentance, Shame, and Guilt

I felt so bad after what we had done. It was hard for me to get out of bed the next day. I was depressed. My heart literally was breaking. I really cried real tears, and I thought it was so odd. Because at one point sex was just so easy for me to have. But I felt like I had done the worst thing in the world. The Bible says,  "if any man being Christ he is a new creation, old things are passed away, behold, all things have become new"- 2 Corinthians 5:17. That's because when when I got saved I was made alive, we don't realize that that outside of Christ, we're dead in our trespasses, but when the Holy Spirit comes and fills you up with the Lord you're just made alive. Sin causes separation  from God and spiritual death. I had done something that could cause spiritual death in my life. I had committed a sexual sin. Sexual sin is different from other sins, the Bible says, "Flee sexual immorality. Every sin  that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body "– 1 Corinthians 6:18. When we commit sexual sin we sin against ourselves, because we stand the risk of getting an STD, getting pregnant, catching feelings, and that's just what I had done. I had developed a soul tie with this man, which only clouded my vision and made me react based off emotion, and my emotions were all over the place. One minute I was cool with him laughing, talking, joking, being all affectionate and the next, I wanted to fight him and was screaming at him to get out of my house. I felt sincere, heartfelt remorse about what I had done. I felt ashamed, guilty, unworthy, unholy, I felt like God was disgusted with me, and I was so ashamed to stand in his presence, and be naked before God. When I say nakedness, I'm referring to my sin. Jesus had previously washed me clean by the shedding of his blood on calvary, he had purchased my soul and set me free, and clothed me in righteousness, gave me a new name, and written my name in the lamb's book of life. Ya'll ain't understanding me. I was a woman who was bound and weighted down by her sin and I was released, and I chose to imprison myself again. I was the pig who returns to the mire, the dog who returns to his vomit, I was the one who had betrayed him, I wasn't any better than Judas, I put my savior back on that cross and crucified him again, I had trampled the Son of God underfoot, and I knew I was I was guilty of these things, and I did not deserve God's forgiveness. I betrayed my savior for a man who has to borrow his very breath from him. I had exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshipped the creature, rather than the creator who is blessed forever, Amen. (Romans 1:25). I felt so miserable and ashamed. I felt more ashamed, because I wasn't walking in darkness anymore, I had tasted the gift of salvation, and I went back to my sin, even though I knew it's consequences, I knew nothing good would come from it, but I did it. Multiple times! I was guilty, guilty, guilty. Even though I know his word says, "if we confess our sin, he is faithful and just to cleanse us from all from all unrighteousness. " 1 John 1:9, and I know his word is true, but I allowed satan to tell me, God was angry with me, he couldn't stand me. Satan was accusing me. He, "accuses them before our God both day and night."- Revelation 12:10. 

I continued our relationship, and it got more and more tumultuous, there were times, I'd just kick him out, and he'd show up later. He had started smoking again and showing his true colors as most men do, once you give up that box. I was so unstable with him, because I did not have peace, because GOD WOULD NOT GIVE ME PEACE.  I even told him I did not have peace with him there. You will never have true peace outside of the will of God, especially if you are his. The Lord disciplines those he loves, if you are his, he will indiscipline you,  God deals with us as sons, if you can sin with no conscience whatsoever, you are a bastard child and not his, (Hebrews 12:6-8). During this time, I was miserable, I became very distant from my friend, Brittany. I would get annoyed when she texted me,  even though I knew she wasn't judging me, I felt judged. See, Brittany, is an almost perfect Christian. No that she doesn't sin, she never sinned huge like that, she's pretty consistent, and I didn't feel like she understood me, so I hid from her. God was breaking me, my flesh wanted this man, but I had the spirit of the living God inside of me, and more than anything, I was afraid to lose God; God fought for us and actively pursues us, not just to save , but to keep us, nobody can steal me from my father, not even us in our foolishness. "I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one will snatch them out of my hand."- John 10:28. By March, I was really tired of him lol, I was over it, and he was getting tired of me too. He liked me, but he did not like the God in me. I was/am a Christian, I base my life of The authority of scripture and the holy spirit, who guides me. I started to resent him. I knew it was my fault too, but in a way, I held him responsible, because I felt like he didn't care, and truthfully, he didn't care about me trying to be pure. An unbeliever does not and cannot understand. He did not love the same Christ I love, I had made Jesus lord of my life, and although, ultimately, Jesus is Lord of all, he didn't know him as Lord.  "The message of the cross is foolishness to those who perishing, but to us who are being saved, it is the power of God."- 1 Corinthians 1:18. I am boring to someone who's not saved. A lot of people call themselves Christians, but they do not apply it to their lives; I lived/live it. Nobody minds until you let them know you can't have sex, lust, rub, touch, watch porn, club, drink, smoke, and do all this other stuff. Then you taking this Jesus thing a little too far. March 17th was the last day I had sex with him, I had sex the day before then, and I thought it was the last time, but he got this thang again lol. After that, I decided it was the last time.

A Fresh Start

Shortly after that, me and him got into real bad, and I went home for spring break, and he went home to Cali for three weeks, during this time I cried out to God and asked that he remove him from my life. I knew how weak he made me, and I knew I wouldn't leave him alone if he came back, I'm not going to go into detail, but I never saw him after that, and God really removed him. During that time, I made a vow to God that I would wait until my wedding night to have sex. The first step was humbling myself before him, admitting my wrong and my weakness, I asked God for help, and he honored that. He wanted to get my attention, and God welcomed me back with open arms. God saw my heart, and yes, "the heart is deceitful and wicked above all things" (Jeremiah 17:9-10), but he also gives the believer a clean heart, and mine was ready to serve him. I graduated in May 2013, moved back to Atlanta and reconnected with my friend Brittany, and her myself, and my friend Brandi, became really close. I thank God all the time for these two. They hold me accountable and tell me when I'm wrong, correct me, rebuke me, and a lot of times I hate it lol, but the bible tells us to, "confess our sins to each other and pray for each other, so that you may be healed."- James 5:16. A year later, God is still using me, I've grown more spiritually, and he used this experience to humble me and bring to my remembrance how I felt, so I will always choose him over my sin. I praise God that Jesus loves us unconditionally, and prays for us. "It is Christ who died, and furthermore is also risen, who is even at the right hand of God, who also makes intercession for us." Romans 8:34. My walk with Christ has been no cake walk, I've done some pretty bad things, even after getting saved, I've struggled with lust, had sex, masturbated, watched porn, drunk a lil too much, I've gossiped, been unloving, mean, mouthed off to my parents, gone clubbing. I have done it, and I am in no way glamorizing these things or saying that it is alright, because I truly have been regretful about these things, and have dealt with the guilt and shame after doing these things, but "if anyone sins, we have an advocate with the father, Jesus Christ the righteous."- 1 John 2:1, and if God can use me he can use anyone. This is to encourage those who have fallen, I've been there, plenty times, and brother or sister, if you have not fallen, don't beat your brother or sister down, correct them, lovingly,  bring them back to Christ, pray for them, and hold them accountable.  Some you have to put the fear of God in, but that's ok, they will be eternally grateful for you. "And on some have compassion, making a distinction, but others save with fear, pulling them out of the fire, hating even the garment defiled by flesh."- Jude 1:22. This race is not given to the swift, but he who endures. If you fall, get up, repent, try it again, get it right. "Seven times doth the righteous man fall, but he rises."- Proverbs 24:16.  I can't imagine standing before God, and saying, "but Lord! I didn't complete my assignment, because I was so ashamed!". Humble yourself. It's not about you, cry out to God, he is faithful and he gives us second chances. I felt really bad also, because this guy wasn't saved, and had never met a real Christian before, and I felt like I damaged my testimony. I am an ambassador of Christ, and I care how I represent him. "We are Christ's ambassadors; God is making his appeal through us. We speak for Christ when we plead, "Come back to God!"- 2 Corinthians 5:20. But, I realize my testimony is not damaged, because though he saw me fall, he also saw me broken over my sin, and he saw me get up, and he's see that I'm still going hard for God. That's a big difference between my life and average "Christian" in America. A lot of church girls play like they're good girls and be getting sexed everyday of the week, on the regular, non-stop, that def wasn't me. I wish he would bot have had to witness that, because it's still terrible, but God was still able to use that, and this should encourage anyone who's fallen, that if you get back up, you prove that you love the Lord. I've made it a full year, and I know I can make it how ever many more years I have to wait until God chooses to bless me with a husband. Then with God's blessing, ima unleash this beast lol. Until then, these legs are closed, this bible is open, I keep my eyes toward heaven and off some, fine, devilish man and I mind my business.

"Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses let us lay aside every way and the sin, which so easily ensnares us, looking at the Jesus, the author and the finisher of our faith."- Hebrews 121-2. 

*I definitely am not writing this to bash this young man, I wish him the best, I pray for him, so that he may know the Lord, and God may use him too; this is just a story that may encourage someone else. 

My Testimony

I was born and raised in the church, I said my little “sinner's prayer” at 8, was baptized, and participated in church activities all through my childhood and teen years. As a kid, I was really shy, real meek, didn’t really have friends, I got teased, I was just awkward. I mean I can always remember being different and never quite fitting in. So fast forward to middle school, I started hanging with a group of girls and we really became friends. I came out of my shell, I started cussing, talking about sex, thinking about it, and masturbating. Honestly, I had been masturbating since I was a really little girl. This is so embarrassing to talk about, but I want to point out that most people with lust issues were triggered by something really young. I didn’t even know it was masturbation until I looked it up, because it wasn’t the “normal” way most females do.  I noticed that whenever something sexual triggered in my mind I used to do it, even as a little girl, for as long as I can remember. Some people might think that's really strange for a really young girl, but actually it's not all that uncommon, which just goes to show that, “we are born into sin and shaped in iniquity (wickedness)”- Psalm 51:5. So fast forward to high school, we moved from Decatur to Conyers. I was loud, crazy, I would cuss you out in a minute, I had become disrespectful to my parents, teachers; couldn’t nobody tell me nothing. I remained a virgin all through high school, I was known as a good girl, I thought sex was nasty, I had never even kissed boy until I was 17.

Well, all that changed in college. I went to Georgia State, and I lost my virginity within the first three months. I started having sex and got my first boyfriend, and I fell head over hills in love with that boy, and he broke my heart. So I moved on and my next boyfriend did the same. He broke my heart so bad. I used cry myself to sleep every night for a month and a half. I was in so much pain, I wanted to die. I used to pray that God would take the pain away, but he didn’t, and I started to become numb, but I would go back to them for the sex. I developed an appetite for sex; sometimes that’s all I wanted do, and all I used to think about. Like I would be in church thinking about sex. My behavior really changed; my tempter just got so bad. I would lose my temper for everything. I decided to transfer my sophomore year of college to Albany State University, and I did my junior year of college. It was my first time at an HBCU and when I got there, I had a blast…..

I always have been a sucker for a cute face, and I met this guy. I was completely done with both of my exes and I decided that I needed some sex. He was cute, we chilled for a little bit and we got busy, and he ended up being my first “cut friend.” A cut friend is someone who you casually have sex with. This boy never even took me out on a date. That just shows you how this world has blinded our eyes, I didn’t even make that boy work for it; I just gave him the box. I started smoking weed and getting drunk, and I carried on like that for about a year, then my life just started to spiral out of control…..

I moved off campus to my own apartment, and I started smoking way more, drinking way more, and I was having way more sex. My motto became “I don’t give a ****.” (I really did care though, it was just easy for me to say, cause I did not want to deal with me, I wanted to always be right and I didn't want anyone else to tell me the truth about myself). I had become a bad girl. If you ever seen Bad Girl's Club, I acted just like those girls, I did what I wanted, when I wanted, and I’d probably cuss you if you said something. I  didn't care about anything or anyone but myself. I would get sloppy drunk and high, and have sex because it had become filler for me. If one guy was acting up there was always another I could call. I'd always say things like,"I'm way too pretty to be stressing bout a ni**a." But in all actuality, I was so hurt from all the men who had treated me wrong, who I allowed to disrespect me and cheat on me. I just adopted this mentality that men were dogs and liars. I had been lied to by almost every man I loved. There was always some other girl in the picture, so I just accepted what I thought was reality and learned to adapt. I couldn't let anyone see that weakness in me, so I played tough, I let guys think I didn't care. I didn’t want to deal with myself or what I had become, so I numbed all my emotions by these things. I had slowly began to lose control. I just felt so angry, so unhappy, and so empty. I kept trying to fill an eternal void with things that are passing away, only Christ can fill that void. "For everything in the world- the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, comes not from the father, but from the world. The world and it desires are PASSING AWAY, but whoever does the will of God lives forever".- 1 John 2:16-17.  I thought every girl was jealous of me or did not like me, I would literally walk into a party and be like, "I look better than all these b****es in here." I was a pretty girl, but I was so ugly on the inside. The only way to describe my heart was just black. I was one of the most prideful, conceited, vain, mean, and hateful people around. Most of all, I was insecure. I pointed out every other girl's imperfections and their weaknesses to hide my own. I wanted to argue and fight with everyone, and I didn’t want anyone to tell me anything about life and I didn't want to hear that I was wrong. I was never wrong, according to me. Not only that, I rubbed off negatively on people, people tended to cuss more, smoke more, argue more, want to fight more hanging around me. I encouraged my friends to be promiscuous, and to keep a steady stream of guys, so they could play them. My mentality was even though I'm not gonna sleep with him, I'm gonna get this simp to buy me some stuff and take me out. There was no shame in my game. I was a sinful mess. I wasn’t hanging with the wrong crowd, I WAS the wrong crowd. 

The beginning of the end

I stayed in Albany one summer and my roommate actually ended up getting involved in a murder case where a young boy was killed, and as a result some guys in a gang showed up at our door with guns, I didn’t open the door, but there’s no telling what could have happened if it had not been for God’s grace. I told my roommate one night after all that happened that bad things were going to continue to happen to me because I wasn’t in the will of God. Another time, I almost got raped, yes, raped. I had been cool with this guy who sold a little weed around my way, and since I was a weed smoker, we got cool, he was cute, but I considered myself out of his league. he didn't have much going for himself, and two kids. I didn't do kids lol, but he was cute so I flirted with him, smoked his weed, and I knew he liked me, but I had made it clear that I was not having sex with him. One night I went over his house and he must've decided he was gonna get it, so me being who I was I flirted, played with him, he left the room to get a condom from his roommate and I'm like, "what you got a condom for?" But, like a fool, I stayed, and he ended up getting my clothes off and then I started to panic, cause I looked in his eyes, and I saw he was for real, and I heard the desperation in his voice. So, I decided that I was gonna scream "no" once more and if he continued I would just start wailing on him, and if he beat me up, and I ended up getting raped, I would just call the police after. I remember feeling so afraid, and he was holding both of my wrists down, and he looked me in my eyes one last time, and he just let me go. I never went back to his house again. Everytime I used to hang at his house I used to wonder what would I do if he ever got robbed, and sure enough, he got robbed one night, and there was a girl in the house. he beat the girl up, and shot at him twice, and this fool ran and left the girl with the robber. That could have been me all these times. That was clearly God's grace and his mercy on my life. Ain't no tellin what could've been the end of that. 

The day you hear the voice of the lord, harden not your heart

Around that time, God started to draw me. “No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws them, and I will raise them up at the last day.”- John 6:44 I was about a year and a half in nursing school, and it was so stressful. I had gotten so unhappy. My face broke out,  my weight was up and down, and I was smoking more weed and drinking more, but I had decided I wasn’t have sex with anyone else unless we were in a relationship, so because I was not getting any, I started watching porn. I had watched porn every now and then, but I was starting to watch it every day for hours, and masturbating and I knew it was shameful, because I had to have headphones in. I did not want my roommates or nobody else to know what I was in there doing. So homecoming of 2011, it went down. I got drunk, got high, got into several fights, and I realized I had become a problem. I wanted to stop being so angry, I wanted people to like me again. I knew I was I pushing people away. I had just become so mean. Deep down inside, I was just hurting, I had a lot of emotional scarring and I couldn’t fix it. I confided in my roommate again and told her I needed to be in the will of God, it had become really clear to me. On top of all that, I started developing severe anxiety and I was having panic attacks in my sleep. I would wake up out my sleep, not being able to catch my breath, this went on for months, and finally I went to go see a therapist and she told me I was depressed and I had anxiety. I told her I wasn’t depressed because I thought I was living life; I was in denial. I was living, but I was just living to die, because sin when it's full grown leads to death. 'For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord."- Romans 6:23. See, life begins with Jesus that's why he said, "I AM the way, the truth, and the LIFE."- John 14:6

At the beginning of 2012, and me and my friend decided we were going to change our lives. We decided we’d go to church more and try to be a better person. I thought I was saved already, but lately I had been wondering if that was it, just believe that Jesus died on the cross for my sins, and boom I'm saved, in all actuality, I didn't know God, and he ain't know me! I ain't really want nothing to do with him that whole time, I wanted my sin, and I wanted no condemnation for it. I just started really wondering if it was more than that. I had become preoccupied with thoughts of dying, I knew I didn’t want to die sinning, because I knew I’d probably go to hell, but I kept on sinning. That’s crazy. I was scared to the point that if I did die I would go to hell, but I kept doing it because I was a slave to sin. “But thanks be to God that, though you used to be slaves to sin, you have come to obey from your heart the pattern of teaching that has now claimed your allegiance.”- Romans 6:17

One weekend, I was on YouTube and I watched a video by a girl named Angelica Zambrano, it was about an hour long, and she said it was a testimony of how Jesus showed her hell, and I watched the whole thing and I was so convicted, the whole time, I felt like she was talking to me. I knew that I wasn’t saved. It became clear to me that God didn’t care about me being in school, or trying to be a nurse, or having a job, or anything else, he cared about my obedience and my heart. "Our righteousness are as filthy rags before God."- Isaiah 64:6. I never really thought God would really send me to hell, but that night I realized he would. If I died, God would have given me justice, he would have given me what I deserved. It was just revealed to me that night what I knew in my heart all along. God did not make all of those promises in vain. The bible says, “Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? DO NOT BE DECEIVED. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites… will inherit the kingdom of God- 1 Cor 6:9-10).” Yes, it says FORNICATION. Jesus said, "whoever even LOOKS at a woman (man for us girls) with lust has already committed adultery in his heart," and we know adulterers will NOT inherit the kingdom of heaven, furthermore he said, "if your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out, it is better for it is better for you to lose 1 member than have the entire body be cast into hell,"- Matthew 5:29 (This is a spiritual plucking out, not a physical one. Put the knife down). I realized God was dead serious, and he was not going to show me favoritism. We think that we are still good enough. We think God meant that hell was for other people, like murderers and rapists, but he was joking about the fornication, lust, telling white lies, taking things we shouldn't, and drunkenness; we really think God will overlook these things, “God shows no partiality”. –Acts 10:34. As stated in my other blog, "What is The gospel?", God sees EVERYTHING. "For God will bring every work into judgment, including every secret thing. Whether good or evil." - Ecclesiastes 12:14.  I was shook. If you've ever seen the movie Drag Me to Hell then you know how the ground opened up, I didn’t think the ground would actually split, but it was just so real to me that I was just one step away from death, and that I could die at any second and I spend my eternity in hell. There was no if, ands, or buts, in my mind, I knew I wasn’t going to heaven, and at that moment I realized that I needed Christ. I had never really given him much thought, but I needed him then, and I asked God if he was really real, and he wanted me to live right, I’d leave everything behind. All my desires, all my sin, sex, smoking weed, drinking, porn, masturbation, cussing, fighting, I’d forgive people, I’d let it all go, as long as he saved me, and he did. I was 22 years old.

    

“If any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold all things are become new”- 2 Cor 5:17 

I  literally felt the weight of sin come off me, I was brand new. Sin carries a weight, we don't realize it, because we're so blinded by Satan and his schemes. that's why we actually choose the darkness (sin) over the light (Jesus). That's like discovering air for the first time and going back to carbon dioxide, so you can suffocate and die. The bible says men loved their darkness rather than the light, and the message of the cross is foolishness to those that are perishing, because the God of this age (Satan) has blinded the eyes of unbelievers. That's why people cannot fathom a life without sin, because the devil has blinded you from seeing the beauty of Christ. I didn’t know what happened, but I was different. God opened my eyes, and I could see for the first time, kind of like he did the apostle Paul, "Immediately something like scales fell from Saul's eyes, and he could see...."- Acts 9:18. I didn’t have a desire to sin anymore; I stopped everything, cold turkey. I had been cursing for years and I had a mouth like a Russian sailor, but it just stopped. I wanted to please God. Everybody thought it was just a phase at first, but people really started to see a change in me, and it only came from God. I started reading my bible, because I knew that I was more likely to continue if I was in my word, and it proved true. I was no longer in control of my life; the spirit of the living God led me. I didn’t know anything really, God taught me, he sanctified me, he continues to change me, he continues to prune me, and it’s the best thing that ever happened to me. Jesus saved my life. I live my life to give God the glory, and I can finally say yes. There are no chains holding me, I’m free! “WHOM THE SON SETS FREE, IS FREE INDEED.” –John 8:36 It doesn’t matter what you’ve done or how bad you think you are. You can’t clean yourself up, Jesus has to make you clean. “Though your sins are as scarlet, they shall be white as snow.”- Isaiah 1:18. There’s nothing for me to go back to. I don’t regret it, I don’t miss it. It's been a year and a half now, and it's almost like that old Brittnie never existed; she's dead. She was crucified on that cross at calvary, and a new Brittnie was raised from the dead, by his resurrection. My life began with Jesus, and, “he who began a good work will finish until the day of Christ Jesus.”- Philippians 1:6

What is the gospel?

What is the gospel?

Romans 1:16 identifies the gospel as, “the power of God unto salvation for everyone who believes.”

Most biblical south, church going people cannot even tell you what that means. Most of us have sat in a church on and off for our entire lives and really don’t even know what we’re there for.  If you ask the average church goer in America if they’re saved, they will tell you “yes” based off a confession that they have said a prayer and accepted Jesus into their hearts, and can’t even tell you what they’re saved from. When you ask them to tell you what the gospel is they can rattle off that “Jesus died on the cross for my sins,” there’s no acknowledgement of how heavy a statement that is. A man DIED. A man was murdered for our sins. A man was crucified, after being beaten with a leather cord attached to pieces of scrap metal, ripping his flesh from his body to cleanse you off your sins. A man was spit on, tortured, had the hairs from his beard ripped out, and further more that man was innocent of all the crimes he was charged for, in fact, this man was perfect who had never even sinned or had a sinful thought for that matter a day ever in his life. The bible reads that he opened not his mouth. He did not even open his mouth to defend himself of the charges made (Isaiah 53:7). He said he freely gave his life. He laid it down and could pick it up at any time (John 10:18), and he gave his life to the point of death.

So why did Jesus have to die?

Jesus had to die because God’s wrath rested on all of mankind and we were all destined to hell from the moment Adam and Eve sinned. (Romans 5:14- death reigned from Adam to Moses, even over those who had not sinned free from all cording to the likeness of the transgression of Adam). Jesus, being fully God, agreed to come to earth, be born of a virgin, who impregnated by the Holy Spirit, and live life as a man, totally free of all sin. He had to live a life free of all sin, because GOD HATES SIN. God is holy, he is righteous, he is without speck or spot, there is no sin in him, and God will not allow any sin around him, meaning sinful mankind would not be able to rest in his abode (heaven) when this life is over. (But your iniquities have separated you from your God- Isaiah 59:2). Satan is the father of sin, anyone living in sin will have their father’s reward (hell). God’s wrath abides on the wicked (those who practice sin). Think of it like this, God is eternal, he has no beginning, he has no end, committing an offense against an eternal God would take all of eternity to pay him back for just one sin. Hell is a real place, and people are dying and going there every single day. A great majority of people dying are ending up in hell. Harsh, I know, but it is a biblical principle. (Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. ¹⁴ But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.-Matthews 7:13-14). The bible says very few find it. Furthermore the apostle Paul said, “The righteous scarcely be saved, where shall the ungodly and the sinner appear?”- 1 Peter 4:18, and the bible says, “Hell hath enlarged herself to no end,” (Isaiah 5:14). Hell was designed for the devil and his angels, but because of the wickedness of men, it actually grows to hold the souls that are arriving there each day.

Jesus had to die on that cross to satisfy the wrath of God (Yet it pleased the LORD to crush him- Isaiah 53:10). As stated earlier, God hates sin, and his anger was on all mankind. Jesus drank the cup of God’s wrath (Matthew 26:42), so we would not have to. Jesus was so anxious before he was to be arrested he sweated drops of blood, not because of the actual crucifixion, but because he knew what was in store for him spiritually. Jesus suffered hell on that cross. As stated earlier, hell is an eternal place designed for the wicked. What took place on that cross was an exchange, a holy and spotless life for all the sins of mankind. He died and defeated death, and after 3 days he rose again with all power in his hands.

Examine yourself

I hear so many people confessing to be Christians with their mouth, but their lifestyle shows otherwise “These people draw near to me with their mouth, and honor me with their lips, But their heart is far from me, and in vain do they worship me”- Matt 15: 8-9. People who see nothing wrong with sinning, and when you point it out to them, you’re labeled as “judgmental.” People are only considered judgmental now a days when a biblical principle has been deemed outdated, and has become socially acceptable so right or wrong is now determined by what is relative to that person. There is no such thing as a Christian alcoholic, weed head, fornicator, liar, adulterer, idolater, homosexual, murderer, thief, and the like. When I label someone as such I am referring to people who practice a lifestyle of these things with no remorse, no repentance and no desire or need to change. (Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? DO NOT BE DECEIVED. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites… will inherit the kingdom of God- 1Corinthians 6:9-10). Christians do in fact sin, but a true Christian is repentant, meaning they do not allow themselves to be overtaken by that sin, they confess their sins to the lord and he is faithful and just to cleanse them from all unrighteousness (1 John 1:9). Furthermore, a righteous man falls seven times, but he rises (Proverbs 24:16).

The Son of God (Jesus) was manifested to take away our sins, so how can someone living and knowing that they are living in sin confess to be a Christian. (Whoever abides in him does not live a lifestyle of sin, whoever continues living in sin has neither seen him nor known him. Let NO ONE deceive you. He who practices righteousness (practicing a lifestyle) is righteous just as he is righteous, he who sins (practices sin) is of the devil, for the devil has sinned from the beginning- 1 John 3:6-8). God knows your heart, not your actual beating heart, but the “will” within you, and he knows if you will to serve him or your sin. Grace is not an excuse to sin. (Shall we continue sinning now that grace abounds? Certainly not! How can we who died to sin be alive to it- Romans 6:1-2)?  “God know my heart” is not a valid excuse. The heart is deceitfully wicked above all things who can know it? But God says, “I the Lord search the heart (will) and test the mind to render every man according to his works and even render to him the fruit of his doings (Jeremiah 17:9-10).

“The saddest place on Earth is the biblical south, where people have just enough religion to send them straight to hell”-Paul Washer. It does not matter if you played the drums, sung in the choir, served as a deacon, even preached in the pulpit, it does not mean anything if you are not living it. There will be many pastors on judgment day saying, “Lord, Lord did we not prophesy in your name, cast out demons in your name, and do mighty wonders in your name? And Jesus, will answer, “depart from me I never knew you, you who practice lawlessness.” God sees everything (For God will bring every work into judgment, including every secret thing. Whether good or evil. - Ecclesiastes 12:14).

Salvation is the greatest gift known to man. God is not some tyrant in the sky giving out mean orders to make us miserable only to send us to hell because he doesn’t like us. He gave us these commandments, because he loves us. He knows the consequences of sin, and he is fair. He will fairly judge, whether good or bad, he will justly give rewards. Secondly, he already gave his son to die for you, that’s the greatest sign anyone needs. A man died so that you could have eternal life. Death has lost its sting! You can have freedom from sin; all you have to do is repent and believe the gospel. He’ll give you a brand new life, with brand new desires and a brand new heart to please him (if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new- 2 Cor 5:17). He loves you more than you can ever imagine. Give your life to him while you still have time (Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. - Matthew ll: 28). This is not about condemnation or to make you feel bad. This is to share with you the same good news that transformed me and changed my life, and you can have the same thing in Christ.

Grace and peace to you all!